Unconscious Self
Before Writing, there was Writing
Below is an excerpt from something I wrote in 2016 while attempting to process how I thought, and identify the cycles of behavior that were holding myself back. It is a glimpse into my mind as a writer, and directly related to the goal of The Chaos God Apophis, so here it is for you to read.
The Unconscious Self
The Unconscious Self wakes up every morning and goes to work.
Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes Unconscious Self lies in bed all day wracked with depression. Sometimes it puts on a bathrobe, trudges to the liquor store, and buys what it needs to spend the day in a drunken slumber. Sometimes the Unconscious Self blindly takes the pills that the doctor prescribed in a 15 minute session and sleepwalks through the day, everything experienced through the chemicals of big Pharma’s devising.
Sometimes the Unconscious Self wakes up every morning and goes to work.
That work is rewarding or it’s not.
It pays well or it doesn’t.
Life goes on, hobbies develop or they don’t, the Unconscious Self creates things or it sinks into a slumber of consumption, binge watching television shows and video games, drinking itself further to sleep at parties, faceplanting into the stories of others, finding validation in the opinions of others.
The Unconscious Self is a fully functional human being in today’s society.
It can hold a job, have a relationship, raise kids, and save for the future. It can build a house, drink a beer, and watch a game. It can also wallow in a cycle of addiction and depression. It can rise above, beat cancer, and spend year after year experiencing the holiday with extended family who hold vastly different political opinions.
One day, it can wake up.
It can fall back asleep.
The Unconscious Self is you and it is me. It is every individual who sleep walks through some or all of their life. The Unconscious Self is every person who knows the negative effects of their choices, but makes them anyway. The Unconscious Self is every person who doesn’t bother to find out.
The Unconscious Self doesn’t pursue its dreams.
It pursues routine.
It sleeps and dreams of a life it could create, if only it was awake.
Every so often it finds glimpses of clarity.
Deep in meditation, going through a yoga flow, going on a long run through nature, or even pumping weight in the gym. Sometimes the body is able to force the mind into a state of stillness, a state which opens the space for awakening - the flow state.
The noise of the mind is what keeps it asleep.
Obsessive thought patterns - when the thoughts keep repeating a past event, keep imagining the possibilities of the he said she said future, when the thoughts dwell on stress or worry or level one stage of happiness - they keep the mind asleep.
That voice in your head that tells you that you’re ugly/unlovable/fat/insert generic negative thought here - that voice is the sleeping mind keeping itself alive.
Who you really are exists in the silence between the thoughts.
So how do we get there?
The Flow State
The flow state is a state “which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence, flow is characterized by complete absorption in what one does, and a resulting loss in one's sense of space and time.”
Jugglers and fire spinners know what this is about.
Athletes, musicians, and sometimes even programmers can experience this.
It is a state of peaceful joy, where everything flows. It is a moment so firmly rooted in the present that all of the fear and distraction melt away. If you have experienced this state, you can understand why we embrace it.
If you are feeling lost, depressed, or overwhelmed by the trauma and pain in the world, the flow state is the fastest way to bring yourself back to the present moment and become aware of your power.
How to get into that state?
The first, and physically easiest way to do it is to meditate.
If you’re not experienced at meditating, then finding a teacher is a beautiful choice.
If you are willing to engage in a movement practice, then jump on a social networking site and find gatherings of people learning different skills that you want to try. What skill you choose doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you like it enough to do it regularly and practice you way into a present mind.
That and you stay aware of some of the hazards of your practice.
Fire spinners risk the ego of the flame and acrobatics risk physical injury.
Even meditation when done to excess risks disconnection with the carnal world. It’s great and all if you wish to reach nirvana and transcend the struggles of life, but it is not so great for making an impact on those who are lost to the stories that make up the thoughts in their head.
To connect with another person you have to connect with the level they’re on.
To connect with yourself, you have to silence your thoughts.
Once you find silence, and become more present and connected in the world, it tends to happen that you look around and want everyone else to join you.
There are moments where I will make eye contact with a complete stranger, and I will recognize them. I’d never met them before, but I can see that they are awake. There is a light in their eyes, a clarity that shows that in the moment that we connect, they are fully present.
These moments are enlightening and full of boundless joy.
To meet another person and feel their divinity is to experience hope. To believe that the world can genuinely be a better place if more individuals are awakened to their power.
For the Unconscious Self does not take responsibility for its actions.
The Unconscious Self blames others or circumstances for its failures.
Instead of being present in the moment, seizing the power of the present, and creating better experiences, the Unconscious Self consistently spirals along, repeating the same actions and choices that have caused the problems in the past. The Unconscious Self does not grow. It repeats.
For those of us who connect, seeing someone stuck in cycles is painful.
So the real question is: how do we break free?