Why Apophis?

This post can provide indirect spoilers to the Chaos God Apophis series through understanding my thought process, but does not have direct spoilers.

On March 12, 2012, the Solar Dynamics Observatory captured images that were processed by the NASA Goddard Space Flight Center, which they said was a solar flare that situated behind another solar feature, creating a prominence. They said that the photo was of a tunnel, a filament, and that the circular object in the photo was looking down at the tunnel.

The internet looking at this picture said it looked like a UFO refueling off the sun.

When I first saw this picture, I thought of Sköll, the wolf that endlessly chases the sun goddess Sol trying to devour her, causing solar eclipses every time he snaps at her. I thought of Tiāngǒu, the black dragon/dog that chases the sun to eat it. I thought of the Fire Dogs of Korean mythology, the Giant Toad of Vietnamese folklore, the black squirrel from Choctaw mythology, the Bakunawa & Minokawa from the Phillipenes, and Rahu from Hindu mythology.

I thought of Apophis, the giant serpent in Egyptian mythology who tries to swallow the sun god Ra every night. Instead of a creature chasing the sun, Apophis is a cosmic embodiment of unmaking, of primordial chaos. Apophis is a monster similar to (but not exactly like) Ciapactli (aztec), Tiamet (mesopotamian), Typhon (greek), and Jörmungandr (norse). It is a cosmic counter force like Ahriman (zoroastrianism), Apolloyon (judeo-christian), Chernobog (slavic), and Whiro (Māori).

What set Apophis apart from many of these other monsters and dieties, was that it exists in a state of non being. Not a living being, but an non being.

No matter how many times Apophis is slain, it is unkillable.

But without Apophis, primordial Chaos, Order could not exist.

So Apophis must be defeated over and over and over again, for eternity.

When I saw that picture that looks like a black sphere feeding on the sun, the idea of it melded with another concept that I learned in 2012, the idea that sometimes it is better to be the bad guy. Maybe not better for the world, not better for the truth of reality, but better for immediate survival. I learned that lesson when I was weighted down by my inability to speak up clearly and coherently to defend myself when people were angry with me, and realized that if I just accepted the title of ‘the bad one’ that I could sever the ties that were actively hurting me.

I recorded that moment.

I was 26 in 2012, sitting in my car after leaving a party at my friend’s house where the last vestiges of my past life had been torn from my fingers, my friendships revealed to be shallow illusions, my pain utterly incomprehensible to my own mind. I turned on my phone said the truth that existed in the hole in my chest where my heart used to be. Then I put the phone away and went on with freeing myself from those were unable to see me underneath the layers of another’s words.

For me, if I rewatch this I cry, both for the poetic beauty of the words that managed to come out of the space of a torn out heart and for the joy of the future that followed after. Know that if you watch this, I don’t expect you to feel or understand. You might see this the same as a tortured teen screaming free britney on youtube, something not understandable in the moment, and that is okay. For others, watching this video might trigger your own pain, so be warned.

I put this up not for sympathy, but to brush back the dark soil and show the depths of the roots that have grown into this book series.

I used the darkness to burn the bridges behind me and rose from the ashes into a new life exploring all the joy and wonder and abs that the world had to offer. I threw myself into a new world of acrobats, firespinning, aerial arts, festivals, live painting, and fantasy balls filled with playful people wearing creative costumes. I figured out how to vet friendships better and ended up surrounded by wonderful people.

I frolicked.

I travelled the world and met my husband and built a place I call home where I can focus on my art.

That is a story for another time.

Suffice it to say, the series The Chaos God Apophis came into existence because of a photo from Nasa, my broad education in religion and mythology, and my personal experience in being unable to speak unless I was alone in the dark.

The Chaos God Apophis book series is ultimately about what it means to descend into darkness with the torch of your own soul to light the way.